on a better note. 39weeks pregnant.

I am 39weeks pregnant and I have never been so impatient to meet anyone. I miss Donovan more then anyone can imagine. I feel like its time to be reunited & I know I will be threw our daughter. I will be able to see Donovan in a new light. I will be able to help her grow to be a strong beautiful woman. I cant wait to count her fingers, her toes. I cant wait to lay in the meadow where her farther and I once laid and see her eyes gleaming up at the sun &watch as she unwinds the world with her imagination.I cant wait for her little hands to press against Oceans face &watch as she puts a face to his voice.

part 1. Sorry I have been gone

It feels like years sense I’ve wrote. My life is falling into place but it doesn’t feel right with out Donovan. I guess that is why I have been avoiding blogging. Is I feel guilty, that I am aloud to continue this life when the man I love is no longer walking side by side with me. I feel like I should still be in bed, wrapped up in tears. If I didn’t have children to take care of I feel like I would be drowning in drugs and alcohol. Sometimes I feel like that’s where I want to be. I wish I could say its not, but I would be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that wishes I could lock myself in a dark room with nothing but my bare skin &boos with drugs that could feed the negativity and poison that would slowly but surely kill me.
Its kind of funny, I have tried in my life to be a understanding woman. To walk in others shoes, to give them empathy, sympathy. But recently when I hear about people being selfish especially when it comes to their children. I find myself getting angry beyond my own belief. I don’t get how especially woman can put men, or their own stupid poor me suffering in front of their children. How they aren’t able to pull themselves out of a hole to take care of their children they chose to bring into this world. I guess its because I keep only thinking of my own experience. &how everyday its my children I live for, its hard. because I still have those temptations of giving up& drowning. But I look into my sons eyes and I could never do anything to harm him, to hurt him. I put my hand on my stomach and feel my daughter& close my eyes I feel her need to be loved just like her farther and I know I am the one who will be able to give her that.

Was it him?

Someone asked if I dream of Donovan. I explained how I rarely get to see his face or talk to him. With a exception of a few times. Once we made love but his face was never shown and he didn’t speak. &recently I had 2dreams; but he was dark, broken and damaged . He wasn’t my Donovan. He had been taken over by a corpse of a person. My friend said to me what do you expect he is trying to mend himself, he obviously has lots of work to do. I never thought about it, that way. But it makes sense, right? Time here and time there probably runs defiantly. I wonder if the man I have recently saw is the part of him that eventfully took over? Every-time I think of suicide I think of a tumor or cancer. Something that you have no control, but it’s something that can’t be diagnosed in a scan. My therapist has told me about people who have been in therapy for years for having suicidal tendencies and that often enough they eventually give into their thoughts. Donovan use to always dance around the idea, but I never took his threats seriously. It seemed impossible that he would. I wish now that I would have done a better job at getting him help. When I think about each time I tried to talk to him about getting him help, he convinced me that it was nothing. When I tried to talk friends/family they were convinced I was the crazy one. That Donovan wasn’t like what I was saying. I even had a hard time believing it because what people saw and what happened behind enclosed walls was so different. &I couldn’t ever tell if it was him or the alcohol causing certain behaviors.

Love is…

I often hear people say. I wouldn’t be able to live with out “their spouse” or someone they dearly love. I know what it’s like to live with out the person, I felt like I couldn’t live without. I’ve been doing it 4months &I continue to because I love my babies. It can’t be explained. The emotions, the feelings are impossible to fathom unless you have experienced it. Its a love that is out of this world. I sat in a dark hole contemplated my own death but the only thought that kept me alive was my children. As a mother it’s impossible to imagine bringing harm to my children. I put a smile on my face. I embrace everything that life has to offer; so that I can offer the world to my children. Love is loving somebody so much that you will do anything to make yourself better. So that you can offer them the best part of yourself.

He has yet to die in my head

4month sense I heard Donovan say he loved me. People ask if I feel him? If I sense him? I guess there is a rumor floating around that when someone you love dies, they don’t truly leave you. I’ve been waiting 4month, it’s pathetic. I keep grasping on to this “hope” “faith” thing. Talking, crying, screaming, thanking God. I’m trying my best to hold on to any ounce of faith, I have. I am hoping that this rumor is true. That one day Donovan will come to me in a dream, &put some of those pain to ease. I pray that he might kiss me, embrace me once more. That I might hear a whisper. I know I should give him. My thoughts sound silly. But if there is any chance I can get a sec with him, I’ll take it. He is my thought when I wake up, when I am driving, cleaning, listening to music, talking to people. He may have been laid to rest but my head missed the memo. Because he is constantly living in the shadows of every thought I have. It’s hard dating someone who is dead. Help me anyone. These thoughts are never ending.

Lost count

I hate that this has happened. This is what I was scared of. Losing track. I just don’t know how the secs turned into mins. Mins into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months. Lately these tears have been falling more and more. It’s the uncontrollable kind. That I can feel flaring in my nostrils like I’ve breathed in water. It makes my breaths feel hollow like a uneasy feeling sneaking up causing panic threw out all my nerve endings. I suck back air, I swollow and close my eyes trying to blink out the tears. This whole grief thing isn’t getting easier. I watched my newly wedded cousin boast over her new husband and their exciting news of being 12weeks pregnant. I watched his hands gently grace her stomach. I watched as my sisters husband played with their daughters. I saw people laughing and enjoying all these little moments passing them by, their lives seemed simply perfect. As I sat I stared at them all with envy. Remembering the time I felt everything was right &I didn’t feel the hunting sadness, I feel now. Ive been the only person in my family to have children out of wedlock. And to have two children by different fathers. WoW walking around at these family things 25weeks pregnant, with a deceased fiancé. I feel the shame rising inside myself. I feel embrassed in a way I’ve never felt. No one knows how to be excited for me. Instead they are scared to see what life has to bring me.

I feel like my family is blinded. That they completely ignore everything that has happened to me. They treat me like its just something I need to get over. That I’m over reacting. It’s frustrating not one of them has ever had to be a single parent to one child let alone two. &not any of them has ever lost a partner to death. They make me feel weak. They make me feel stupid. Why can’t any of them just sit down and ask me how I am feeling. Check in with me. Instead they roll their eyes because i say I’m okay. And they expect me to put a smile on and say I’m great. The man i was suppose to marry, the one that i have his child growing inside me has abandoned me forever, when he was suppose to be my forever. I am dandy and my life is perfect just the way I always imagined it growing up. Fuck I just wish I could get one person who understood. Who could just tell me its okay to be angry to feel everything that you. I wish someone in my family would acknowledge what I am going threw.

I wish I might

I wish with all my might,
He might come to visit tonight.
I wonder what keeps him as I close my eyes. Everyday I feel like I’m
Losing him, I hate it.
I don’t ever want another man. I feel like it would be cheating. I feel like he was my third chance at love and now I’m all out of chances. That I’m meant to be in the company of my lonely heart now&forever. I’ve messed up
Gods plan for me. He gave me Donovan and I didn’t take good enough care of his heart. I should have been better to him and he would still be here. I’m sorry God for not being tender and gentle for not loving Donovan the way I should have. I understand my burden. Although it brakes my heart, I suppose I’ve brought it upon myself.

Urgency

You questioned my love. Now I wonder if you can feel the urgency in my heart. How does death of a loved one make you stronger? If anything it’s teaching me to have tendencies of a sociopath. People say, I seem to be doing well. If they only knew the constant thoughts vaulting threw out my veins/ my bones. This life was suppose to be good. I miss our kisses. I miss knowing the love I had when I came home.