He has yet to die in my head

4month sense I heard Donovan say he loved me. People ask if I feel him? If I sense him? I guess there is a rumor floating around that when someone you love dies, they don’t truly leave you. I’ve been waiting 4month, it’s pathetic. I keep grasping on to this “hope” “faith” thing. Talking, crying, screaming, thanking God. I’m trying my best to hold on to any ounce of faith, I have. I am hoping that this rumor is true. That one day Donovan will come to me in a dream, &put some of those pain to ease. I pray that he might kiss me, embrace me once more. That I might hear a whisper. I know I should give him. My thoughts sound silly. But if there is any chance I can get a sec with him, I’ll take it. He is my thought when I wake up, when I am driving, cleaning, listening to music, talking to people. He may have been laid to rest but my head missed the memo. Because he is constantly living in the shadows of every thought I have. It’s hard dating someone who is dead. Help me anyone. These thoughts are never ending.

Water colors blurring together

People say it gets better with time. I think they lied to me. Each day is a battle. I catch my self drifting off while thinking of Donovan. I imagine walking towards him with the willows and wild flowers blurring together like water colors in the surroundings. He is standing there with some expensive suit he wanted, rather then a tuxedo. His eyes light up, but it’s little different then the usual gleam he has.
Then the abrupt punch, of loss guts me. A knife to the neck gliding down and stopping, where my heart is. It rest there playing a twisted game of pain. It then slowly tears threw all the protective muscles tearing into the core, where my soul lays.
I close my eyes and beg God to help me. To save me. To give me some kind of peace, so I can ease into sleep and let my body rest. I can’t believe it is possible to feel this much pain and still have a heart beat.
I ask why everyday, I ask for forgiveness for anything and everything I can remember I’ve ever done. Sometimes over the same things. Apparently I have done something terribly wicked to deserve losing Donovan, in the way I did. I’m trying to take responsibility. I am trying to be a better person. This pain isn’t dying down.
I want him back! He has been takin from me. He has even been takin from my dreams. Every night he is my thought but it never draws him into my dreams, only his shadow. When can I see him!?!? When will he appear in my dreams again?

October 13th will be 1month

In less then 3hours it will be one month sense I last laid eyes on Donovan. I’m almost expecting to wake up and magically have that day back. Have a redo. Give him every reason to stay. But tomorrow is another kick in my ass of reality.
However, I feel like this is were I reflect and tell people, What I’ve learned so far. There are no words that can describe the pain of losing your lover, your companion, the one person you planned on making a life with. There is nothing and no one that can make it better. It’s impossible to explain the emotions, the feelings that are being pumped into my veins racing to my head& heart. This wasn’t something that was given to me because I am strong or can handle it. This a lethal weapon that has nearly killed me. There is a thread of thought keeping me tied to my life and it’s up to me wether or not it gets to heavy and brakes. I still continue to lose my breathe, I still beat myself down with a hammer of thoughts everyday for not saving you. I hate myself for not loving you the way you needed. I wish everyday I could change what’s happened.
You are suppose to be here, near me, for me to touch, kiss &love. This was not okay& it never will be okay. Everyday, I collect the things I’ve done bad trying to pin point the one thing I did to deserve this. Everyday the one thought circles around is that I didn’t love you the way you needed to be loved. And I will never forgive myself to that.

Hostage to the grief of death

I don’t belong to myself,
I’ve been taken hostage
By the grief of your death.
I fell so far down.
It felt true.
I looked in your eyes
the lines had no lies.
Your lips were the
pillows that comforted me.
Your words penetrated
My soul with a unforgettable love.
Your fingertips found my face,
As I leaned into your kiss
I thought I had you back.
Until I awoke to the
alarming siren
saying you’ve collapsed.
Every morning I awake
And your touch is so far gone
The hope of loves dies.
To: Donovan, part of my soul who died.
Love: The love of your life
Lynlee

3weeks today

I last heard you say “I love you Lynlee”
Now I am just trying to make it threw the night minus you. How do people survive when someone they loved, someone they planned on living a forever life with dies? My guilt is a never ending torch to my heart. It’s a pain deeply placed in my soul. I should have saved you, I should have loved you better. You gave me your heart and I didn’t take care of it the way I should have. I miss you every day and everyday I am reminded of the love I once had, that I’ll never get back.

songs I recieved from you. how i miss those text.

15days. this life and the past life

BREATH. BREATHE. BREATH. BREATHE.
May 6, 2011 I found out I was pregnant with the greatest piece of art, I would ever make. January 20, 2012 I received pure love. Something that is completely indescribable. When I close my eyes, I can still see my son with a smile of serenity on his face. From day one, I knew that I would and could never have a bad day with him present in my life. Don’t get me wrong there is moments when I have felt unhappy, angry, mad, sad. For me though that didn’t mean it was a bad day. It was just moments in the day were shit happen. Every night though when I went to sleep I could remember a dozen times I smiled because of my son, Ocean. I never cared much about life before him. Sense I was 14 I thought about death constantly. It was something I welcomed. The moment my eyes saw him, that changed. I knew he was the missing piece to my heart. With the recent loss of Donovan, a struggle began. A war irrupted in me. One between life and death. Donovan told me I wasn’t there for him. Now its too late, but my idea is if I join him. I can help him still. I can hold him. Be there for him. That idea scares me, because I don’t know what happens after your last breath. Do you get to just live in peace? Do you forget your life? Do you get to be with the ones you love? Are you reborn and have to start over without any knowledge of what you knew before? Would I get to be there with Donovan, would I get to hold him again? My moms friend is this spiritual insight reader. A while back (before all this) my mom told me, her friend saw Donovan and I in past lives together. That there had been struggles and tragedies before this lifetime. She went into deeper details about anger that was unexplained between us. But she also talked about a love and a pull towards each other, that didn’t want to give up. She also told my mom that I wouldn’t be with Donovan the rest of this life. I disregardful everything she said. But the last week, its something that keeps reacquiring in my head. What if I would leave this earth, leave this body and have to come back again. Is this how I have to keep living my lives. With this painful brake because we can’t figure out how to love each other the right way. Will we ever get our happy ending? Do I ever get to grow old with him?

crying over breakfast.

A few weeks ago I was looking at homes to be the place we raised our children. Looking at engagement rings and talking about our wedding, and what our baby would look like. This morning I was crying over cooking biscuits and gravy. Because the smell reminded me of when I use to cook you breakfast sandwiches and burritos. I am having to change my future and try to plan something with out you. No one gets it. This isn’t my brother, he wasn’t just my friend or a family member. He was the man I was planning a future with. He was the last person I was ever suppose to kiss. He was suppose to be the last person I was to ever give myself to mind, body and soul. He was my future. He was my comfort, my protector. Everyday I go on with out him is a day I just made it threw. “Are you okay today?” “I hope today is better.” “How are you doing?” “Are you happy? Did this make you happy or excited.” These questions??? are you fucking kidding me. No, today is not good. I am planning a future with out the man I love. I lose my breath doing the simplest of things because it was breath I had to force myself to take. My heart is pumping with the lack of love I once had. People say they can’t imagine how I am feeling and that I don’t need to look at pictures or wear your clothes around all day. That maybe its bad thing if I surround myself with things of yours. Fuck that, The stuff I have of yours is losing your smell everyday. I have to hold on to it. If you can’t be here everyday I need to be around anything possible of yours. It is a comfort to me. Your stuff holds memory values to me

14days today was the last time I saw you

14days is the same as 2weeks. Neither one of those sound right. I shouldn’t of had to go any days with out you. Damn It DONOVAN, I love you. I was finished with love 3 years ago. You pursued me, you told me you would take care of me, that you were the one for me and you always have been, I was just too damn blind. FUCK THIS, FUCK THIS FEELING. I don’t know how I will ever love again. You gave me love, you showed me how much I meant to you. You made me fall in love with you. I resisted for so long and you finally did it. NOW, I AM FUCKING STUCK HERE ALONE. 3years ago when I gave up on love. I wasn’t bitter about it. It was just the way it seemed it should be. I was okay being just a mother. I was okay with just being me, just being single. But you showed me a damn good thing then took it away in the worst possible way. I am dying. I literally feel my emotions, my love towards everyone except my children closing off. I don’t want people to hug me, I don’t want people to tell me they love me because I am scared they want to hear it back. I don’t want to love anyone because if they are taken away… Well then I am here, feeling a pain that is so incredibly painful. It is worse then any physical pain I have EVER felt. It is eating me alive. I beg God, I call out to Jesus the Holy Spirit to bring you back. To let me have you once again. I promise I will take care of him. But it kills me, cause every min that passes your still not here. I’m not waking up to this all being a fucked up dream. I am waking up living in a world that doesn’t have you in it.

9 Years

15. I saw you for the first time, and for those short 2months you were the best math partner, to cheat off of. 16 you became the stranger who was always a phone call away. 17. You put your hands around my face and pulled me in for our first kiss. 18 we made love for the first time, and you looked in my eyes and told me you loved me. 19. We went our own ways and became each others drunken late night phone calls. 20. You were my person, the one encouraging me to do better and be better. 21. You helped me threw a brake up and start my journey as a mother. 22. You told me I would love again. 23. I fell in love with you, my best friend. 24. I lost the only father my child ever knew and the father to my future baby. I lost my one person I could always call. I lost my the man who made me believe in love again. I lost the person I thought I would have forever.
9 Years was not long enough. We didn’t have enough nights laying in bed. We didn’t have enough fights, and making up. You never got to feel the baby kick or hold our new born. You never got to teach Ocean to ride a bike, snowboard, drive a truck or talk to girls. I could go on and on.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you can feel it, and I hope everyday you regret what you did &it pains you to see me here living a life we planned together. Because if I didn’t have to take care of these babies. I would be walking right beside you. It kills me to be here. But I have to be. I made a promise when I had my son, that I would be the best for him. I make that same promise to our unborn child. I love you, and I hate that I can’t remember why I was ever mad at you. I hate that I am only remembering the good. Because every time I think about you not being here, I want to hate you, I want to be angry with you. I want to so badly. But my heart just fills with love, misery, sadness, pain and guilt.