It feels like years sense I’ve wrote. My life is falling into place but it doesn’t feel right with out Donovan. I guess that is why I have been avoiding blogging. Is I feel guilty, that I am aloud to continue this life when the man I love is no longer walking side by side with me. I feel like I should still be in bed, wrapped up in tears. If I didn’t have children to take care of I feel like I would be drowning in drugs and alcohol. Sometimes I feel like that’s where I want to be. I wish I could say its not, but I would be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that wishes I could lock myself in a dark room with nothing but my bare skin &boos with drugs that could feed the negativity and poison that would slowly but surely kill me.
Its kind of funny, I have tried in my life to be a understanding woman. To walk in others shoes, to give them empathy, sympathy. But recently when I hear about people being selfish especially when it comes to their children. I find myself getting angry beyond my own belief. I don’t get how especially woman can put men, or their own stupid poor me suffering in front of their children. How they aren’t able to pull themselves out of a hole to take care of their children they chose to bring into this world. I guess its because I keep only thinking of my own experience. &how everyday its my children I live for, its hard. because I still have those temptations of giving up& drowning. But I look into my sons eyes and I could never do anything to harm him, to hurt him. I put my hand on my stomach and feel my daughter& close my eyes I feel her need to be loved just like her farther and I know I am the one who will be able to give her that.
Confessions of a Mother in Repair 