I don’t think people understand the pain, You undergo when someone dies it’s not something you accept. It hits you with all that life has. It takes away your breath to the point of not being able to inhale. And exhaling is just the next step to get back to the inhale. It’s a 1 step at a time, when you lose someone. Everyone around you fades into the background. You know others exist. Except your so focused on the person you lost. That you forget people have beating hearts. You realize how cruel the world is. That people are so caught up in their own lives they don’t give a fuck about you. You realize you are not significant in any ones life that’s still alive. Your just someone who once had something sad happen. People stop caring that it’s sad. It soon becomes something you need to get over.
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Confessions of a Mother in Repair 
I don’t know your pain. I care about you. You are significant and important to me. I know you don’t know me and I don’t know you with the exception of what you express here in writing, but I truly care. I worry about you and your babies. Each day that you post, I feel relieved and grateful that you are still alive. I bet I’m not alone. I bet there are silent others. So many times I’ve wanted to comment on your posts, but I’ve lacked any wisdom or understanding that would be of benefit. I don’t know your agony. I do know the ongoing terror and trauma of profoundly loving and needing someone, and being afraid year after year that today is the day they will jump off that bridge. … Please know that you matter and that you are worth the fight you are undergoing. You are very strong. Even though you might not feel it now, it shows through in your writing and your example. I believe you mentioned God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. They’re my team and in them I have found much strength — far beyond what I could mortally summoned up. I have noticed in my experience that they respond more powerfully when I am down on the ground helplessly pouring out my soul. I see you as a beautiful, gifted soul. Please stay with us. You and your children are in my prayers. XO, Julie
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you never have to get over this situation. It’s something that hurts and will always remember. When a good friend of mine committed suicide, it was like the light was sucked out of me. I didn’t want to feel better because I had a mixture of guilt and sadness that I felt like I needed to hold onto to make it seem like he still existed.
One day I ended up at a bible study for my moms bday and the pastor prayed for me. I was the last person to ever go churching but at that moment God revealed His power to me. I felt a physical lightness and burden lifted off of me that gave me a sense of peace. It doesn’t make my friend come back to life but it cut that painful edge off. I started to see the world in which life is beautiful. Yes God has paved a way for us to live with joy despite the tribulations we go through. The world may not find us significant but the Lord our Jesus Christ died for us so that we can have hope and joy in this darkness. He truly loves/knows us and finds out lives significant.
Praying for you and your family!
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Your feeling you speak of sound familiar. I pray all the time. But I just feel like this wasn’t the life that was meant for me. That God got it wrong. &i keep hoping I’ll wake up and it will all be a nightmare.
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Hugs. It only seems like that now because the devil wants you to feel defeated. The enemy enjoys our pain and suffering but have faith that God has a plan that is perfect for you: better than we can ever understand.
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